I can’t get into it without outing myself and my job, but damn I wish people could figure out how to break the rules on their own. If you involve me, if you tell me you’re going to violate a contract, I am required to do something. I’m not a cop! I’m not a narc! You could simply not tell me this shit! I am begging you to not tell me! Don’t send me an email to my work address that says “I’m going to violate our contract, how would you suggest I do it?” Well first things first don’t fucking tell me
Like one time I was working at the bar years before weed was legal. The owner hated pot and pot smokers. And this regular was standing in front of the front door smoking his little glass pipe
“Hey man, go around the corner”
“Naw it’s cool”
“It’s really not. (The owner) will ban you if he sees you doing this in front of his bar like an idiot”
“He won’t see me”
“Yeah but I see you. And I’m asking you to go around the corner so you’re not right in front of the fucking bar”
“It’s just weed. Are you scared of weed?”
“Listen you stupid hippie I use drugs that would blow your burnout mind. I don’t give a shit about weed. But do not fucking involve me, do not involve the bar. Just take seven steps to the corner and smoke your heart out”
“Naw man it’s cool”
Then the owner came outside and blew his fucking stack and the guy was barred for life. And then the owner got mad at me for not running to him and telling him hippie Dave was burning it down in front of the bar. I’m just begging you to not involve me in your poorly thought-out crimes in a way that will get us both in serious trouble. I am begging you
Bringing this back in a general way to remind people who might be considering breaking rules that maybe not telling strangers you are about to break some rules might be wise. Because you do not know where that information is going to end up
When I still had an active security clearance, I had to beg people to please not tell me when they did illegal shit. Do not make me, with my unreasonably good memory, have to choose between you and my livelihood if someone asks me about crimes. Do Not put me in that position when I am telling you I am subject to polygraphs and I’m supposed to be a mandatory reporter. Don’t do that to me. Don’t do that to anyone who hasn’t volunteered to be part of your crimes. Not everyone is going to agree with your principled stand, and even if we do some of us are all that stands between our loved ones and homelessness.
“The old magic persists thanks to it’s unfathomable power.”
No, the old magic persists because the new magic can’t run the legacy spells I need to do my job, and keeps trying to install spirits I don’t want or need onto my orb.
Look, if the new magic didn’t have a personality construct that kept trying to tell me which spells to use, maybe I wouldn’t still be using the old magic.
Yes it had a deep blood cost, but at least it was a one time sacrifice and not this monthly bloodletting nonsense new age magic has
The old magic is robust enough to survive a decade of use and it’s compatible with every wand, staff, scroll, and charm in our collection.
The new magic stops working after three days and every spell uses proprietary runes.
Our preferences, as an archiving institution, should be pretty clear.
You try to get guidance for the new magic and the king’s sorcerers maybe will answer you in a few days with an unhelpful suggestion to buy the newest orb.
You need guidance for the old magic and a dozen retired middle-aged wizards will pop up to explain it to you rune by rune if necessary.
You know what, fuck it. Figure skating is now my favorite sport. Unless there’s another one that will let a competitor dress up in a silly costume and do all these silly jumps and wiggles and fall on purpose, IN THE OLYMPICS, there’s no contest
As a former figure skater I feel obliged to point out how technically difficult that little Chaplin patter would be. See the kind of speed he’s getting up to and then immediately moving into that “walk” - sometimes without even a brake manoeuvre. The momentum you build up when moving at speed has to get released somewhere so stopping like that is usually an easy way to topple over (not on purpose). In the true spirit of Chaplin he is making very hard and potentially dangerous things look easy.
For anyone who might’ve been searching for who the skater is, @jay42 found out ! The athlete is Petr Barna, from the 1992 Winter Olympics
The Myklebust Ship, believed to be the largest Viking ship ever discovered, stands as a testament to the ingenuity of Norse craftsmanship. At 30 meters (98 feet) long, this extraordinary vessel was uncovered in Nordfjordeid, Norway, within a cremation burial mound dating back over 1,000 years. Likely belonging to King Audbjørn of the Fjords, it symbolizes the power and prestige of Viking royalty.
Today, the ship is reborn at the Sagastad Viking Center, where a full-scale replica invites visitors to step into the world of the Vikings. Completed in 2019 using traditional techniques, the replica is not just for show—it’s fully seaworthy and occasionally launched on the fjord. The remains of 7,000 rivets and 44 shield bosses tell a story of strength and status, connecting us to a time when these ships ruled the seas.
Life was good when we made dark fantasy films using muppets. No more captain america no more crisp ratt were doing gelflings some more, and those little shits from labyrinth.
The Dark Crystal series was really good but I desperately want to see what kinda fucked up muppets you can make with a $200 million budget
If we give the Jim Henson company $200 million, those felt fucks are going to be sentient
there’s all these aus about vader finding luke and smuggling him away to the empire in a clever moment of mental clarity, but please consider this crack au: after being faced with slavery, his mother’s death, tusken raiders, sand, obi-wan kenobi, seeing the larses, and tatooine in general, vader lays eyes on toddler luke skywalker - his son, which meant palpatine lied, holy fuck i’m a father, oh god padme i’m so sorry - and flips.
this is the straw that breaks the semi-rational sith lord’s back. in true anakin skywalker fashion, vader panics, scoops his son into his arms, charges into mos espa and turns it upside down, steals a shuttle from his own fleet, slams random hyperspace coordinates, and is thrown into space with no real idea where he’s going or when he’s going to get there. with a toddler.
to make things more interesting, obi-wan snuck aboard the ship, but dropped his lightsaber in the ruckus of sneaking into imperial ranks. and poor, poor firmus piett, a lowly officer who just so happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, runs smack into him.
and they’re all stuck on a ship, indefinitely. with a toddler.
sweet baby jesus i love this idea
just vader, picking up toddler luke under his arm like a football, and RUNNING LIKE FUCKING HELL
[darth vader voice] I HAVE YOU NOW
*toddler Luke SCREAMING the whole time*
obiwan just having a nervous breakdown “what what why are you doing this you’re evil but but what what is this someone shut that child up”
i love that people are contributing this is AMAZING
vader hefts the child into his arms - YOU CAN’T HAVE HIM - and literally turns away from everyone else like a kid with a new mcdonald’s toy. you can’t have him, YOU CAN’T EVEN LOOK AT HIM. luke quiets down because he’s up so high and he can see EVERYTHING and it’s fascinating. luke’s an easily impressed kid, after all. (and there are vents up here that he can nearly reach to crawl through!)
obi-wan: you can’t take luke from me, darth. vader, probably: LIKE YOU TOOK MY LIMBS???? HUH OBI-WAN????? HUH?????
What if at one point Obi-wan and Vader get all huffy and refuse to speak to each other and Piett has to act as the go between.
vader: tell that washed up old man that i know exactly what i’m doing
piett: …
piett: yes, lord vader
piett: excuse me, master jedi, but lord vader has everything under control
obi-wan: [huffs] That walking disaster hasn’t had anything under control since he was nine, and you can tell him i said that. In fact, i insist
piett: [looks into the camera like on the office]
oh god i have to write this now. you’ve convinced me, I AM SOLD. THERE IS ALMOST NOTHING BETTER THAN THIS IMAGE.
imagine it gets to the point where vader and obi-wan are screaming at each other with piett stuck in the middle, and luke, his attention torn away from the pretty lights on vader’s chest, clambers up and pats vader right over the respirator. “stop,” luke, a 2 year old, orders, patting sith lord darth vader gently on the face. “is mean,” announces luke.
vader re-settles luke in his arms. “say sowwy,” luke demands. vader, reluctantly, apologizes. he’s not taken with this child at all, obviously he’s just trying to earn luke’s respect, clearly. duh.
luke clambers off vader and toddles to piett to give him the biggest hug. “i sowwy,” says luke, solemnly. piett is about to faint. first lord vader, now the lordling? this is Too Much. vader’s probably giving piett the most terrifying death glare from behind his mask.
with the blessing of the Great and Powerful Luke Skywalker, piett can DEMAND THESE TWO STOP BEING CHILDREN but quietly, with a lot of respect.
obi-wan, meanwhile: i need a drink. i need a whole liquor bottle
